And Miles to Go - March 15, 2012

“And miles to go before I sleep; and miles to go before I sleep”

Today, Thursday, March 15, 2012 was a great day.  It wasn’t a great day because I got a paycheck.  It wasn’t awesome because my face was printed on the cover of some magazine.  I didn’t win a new car, find out I was pregnant, win the lottery, or even have everything going my way.  It wasn’t even great simply because I dedicated any hours of my time to a worthy cause (other than my job, of course), resulting in a feeling of self-importance and worth.  Nothing out of the ordinary happened. 

Thursdays are my late-start days at work, so that could have something to do with my happy mood.  I slept till 9 and didn’t have to be at work till 10.  My work day consisted of scheduling some kiddos for spring break, driving to Gypsum (15 miles away) for an appointment, seeing a breakthrough in that kid, making plans with that kid and mom, driving back, picking up another kid and taking him to the park on an awesomely warm spring day, doing a little documentation, then changing clothes and off to the Learning Center (old Hawthorne School—the building itself is old and cool and whimsical) for my first-ever live kickboxing class with Gloria; we then decided to drive uptown a little ways and head for coffee at Ad Astra Books and Coffeehouse, after Gloria said, “I’m pumped now; I’d like to go somewhere cool, quiet, dimly lit, with iced coffee or otherwise refreshing beverage.”  I said, “Ad Astra!” And off we went. 

Upon arriving, we noticed the sign out front, “Free Live Music 7pm-9pm!”  We decided right then and there that we had just picked the best night ever to step into this fabulous little corner of old downtown Salina.  This was Gloria’s first time in Ad Astra, and my first time being there at night--- such a neat atmosphere!! Add to that an iced caramel macchiato and a frozen chai latte, paired with live acoustic guitar, with music ranging from Ray Charles to the Beatles to Johnny Cash --- oh ,what a night!  And of course, that doesn’t even include the original, handmade art, or the floor-to-ceiling shelves of BOOKS! It was fun just to browse (okay, I might have found a poetry book I want to go back and get).  I was so inspired in there. 

The music, the words, the poetry, the atmosphere, the gorgeous weather outside, the endorphins from the kickboxing…all combined to give me this natural high that I have not felt in a while.  I have not been inspired like this in months.  My fingers were itching to type !.  It was such a nice escape. 

The quote from a poem up top I found in that poetry book I was telling you about.  It’s from one of my old favorites, Robert Frost’s “Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening.”  Sigh.  It brought back so many memories of falling in love with the English language and the study of the language arts!  I used to read this textbook we had lying around the house – yes, a textbook.  Thinking back, it must have been at least a high school level English textbook.  We had three of them – one brown with pink one, one dark green one (with yellow letters), and I can’t remember the color of the other; I must have spent most of my time in these two.  Anyway, my mom used to go to book fairs and stuff, and probably come home with all the stuff marked “Free”.  Well, I fell in love with these books.  I used to read the stories in them front to back, cover to cover.  These stories inspired some of my early poetry—I used to handwrite the poems out of them into notebooks.  I remember the poems were my favorite part; I would skim the table of contents looking for the italicized word, Poem, on the far right, after the “…………..”.  Oh, how I loved those books!  They introduced me to “…Snowy Evening” and “The Road Not Taken”.  I still am not 100% sure where they came from, or how they ended up in our house, but I know I loved them.  I’ve always loved to learn.  What a geek.  J

Snippets from Late March

Some more..

"It’s so easy to fall into the trap of self-judgment and loathing.  It’s so easy to wish more something else, something more, something more beautiful.  Why can’t we all just be content with what we have?  What is it about the human condition that always makes us desire more?  I wish I knew. 

I also wish I knew what it was that makes us so stubborn.  What makes us want something that isn’t good for us, even when all the signs point to/God is showing us is every way that there is something better.  Something different.  The very thing we wanted in the first place.

I wish I had just a little more faith.  "

Myself as I Want to Be

“Myself as I Want to Be”

March 10, 2012

What do I want to be?  Who do I want to look like?  I know that I don’t want my life to look like anyone on this planet.  There are too many people walking around who think way too highly of themselves, and I know for a fact that I don’t want to be one of those people, so why would I waste my time idolizing them? 

I want to have my own style, letting beauty inspire me as it may.  I want to love myself enough to spend time making myself look nice and taking care of my body.  I want to be able to wear a two-piece swimsuit and look good in it.  I want to be a true example of an athletic, strong woman.  I want to look “good” but still be able to beat people up if I have to.  I never, ever want to be seen as “just a woman”.  I want to continue to be versatile and flexible enough to do yard work and curl my hair in the same evening (real yard work, not just weeding flower beds).  I want to continue to be able to lift anything I want to lift and not have to have a man’s help.  I hate it when people say, “I need a strong guy to help me…(fill in the blank).”  Get strong and do it yourself!

I want my life to be a life of love and service. I want to be a good wife and a good mother, eventually.  I want to raise my family in the way that I know to be right.  However, I know I am far from ready to have children, so let’s focus on something else.

I want to be the kind of wife that my husband will love coming home to.  I want to fill my days with creativity, spontaneity, romance, music, and art.  I want to live in a comfortable home where I don’t have to worry about anything falling apart.  I want to have the things I need, but not have anything in extravagance.  I want to be willing to yield to others, whether it’s my husband or coworkers.  I want to be able to not take things personally.  I want to be able to sort through my own feelings without needing too much help from other people, and without putting myself down.  

I see myself being a kind, giving, and energetic person.  I want to re-become a dedicated runner, and compete in 5ks and half-marathons regularly, and eventually start tackling marathons. 

I want to accomplish something.  I want to think back to my “big revelation” and actually do something about it (focusing on Hispanic-American young women and their educations).  I want to have a purpose and know what it is, and let all my words, thoughts, and actions grow me towards that purpose.  That’s myself as I want to be. 

"Growing up"

I haven't written in a while.  Maybe it's because I finally made the move to Salina.  Maybe it's because I made the move to Salina, and am stressed about my new budget.  Maybe I'm stressed about my new living arrangements, missing having F around all the time (and Katherine, my cat)...there's a lot going on.  Work continues to grow hazy, crazy, and complicated.  It's a great job, and I do enjoy my work with the kids, but I'm not crazy about the "never feeling caught up" feeling.  I guess that's social services for ya.  I'm experiencing things and having to work through things that are completely new to me-- new car, new car registration, tags, checking tire pressure...having a roomate somewhere other than a dorm, getting used to coming "home" to a house every night, trying to get the space to feel like somewhere I actually want to be. 
Some people keep saying, "It's part of growing up."  I really dislike that statement.  I think that growing up is something that happens at a different time for everyone, and can take many forms.  I believe that "growing up" is a decission that has to be made: "What kind of things do I want to participate in/be a part of?"  "What are the kinds of things that I know I just really don't want to identify myself with?"  These questions happen to all people in different ways, and at different points in life.  These questions are hard to ask, which is the reason that they don't get asked till later into the 20 something years for the majority of people.  Only the courageous and the bold ask these questions when it is unpopular to ask them, when everyone around them isn't into asking questions yet, and still playing the "monkey see, monkey do" game.  I didn't play that game for very long.  I think that game existed in 6th grade for me and maybe for about half of 7th grade.  After that I was done relying on my peers to tell me what to do and very determined to carve out my own path and find my own identity and direction. 
That statement in and of itself is kind of an oxymoron.  To this day, I feel like I really don't know what I'm doing, where I'm going, or why I'm here.  I know that small pieces of the puzzle have been revealed to me and fallen into place over the years, but I guess you could say my confidence is lacking.  I know that I am POSITIVE that I have always lived for serving others, and yet, I still find myself in the "I don't know what my purpose is" boat too often.  I wonder why this happens?  I think a big part of it is the performance-based culture that we live in, the culture that makes it too easy to observe what others are doing, and compare what you are doing in your own life to what someone else is doing.  I'm very sensitive to what others are saying, how they are saying it, and what their motives might be.  I guess you could call this intuitive.  Whatever it is, it's confusing too!  I know this fact about our culture, and yet I find myself sometimes "protecting" myself from others' posts on facebook, because I know that I am likely to fall into this trap of comparison.  I don't want to live my life comparing myself to what others are doing.  I don't want to spend my days thinking, "Well, gotta catch up to her" or "Wow, it would be nice if my boyfriend said stuff like that about me"...but it's so easy to do just that!  And then that just makes most of us angry or miserable!  Grr.
This whole thing has sounded and felt confusing.  One thing I know for sure: reality is not (or shouldn't be) any one person who has everything together, completely figured out, and feels like they are just the epitome of awesomeness of what a "successful" human being should be.  If you do know anyone like that, tell them to get over themselves.

I Believe

It's been 14 days since my last post.  If I remember correctly, my last post was ranting and raving, describing all the changes going on.  Well, the last 14 days have been crazyweirdbeautifulhorribleamazingdrasticoverwhelmingridiculousexhausting.  I'm physically moving in to my new place.  My roomate and I decided we SHOULD have taken before and after pics, since there was no carpet and it was FULL OF STUFF when I first looked at it.  I've watched too much HGTV, and saw the potential in the space.  Thankfully?  I hope so.  I hope this works out well.  I'm on the lease for the next 6 months.  The goal is to be there starting the 1st.  And two weeks later I'll come back and get my cat.  :-( I'm gonna miss her, it will be hard to not have her with me, but I really want to get everything settled before I bring her into it. ( I still need my kitty relocation talk with Lee and Alle )
There is some anxiety about the new budget, but I'm trying to have faith that everything will work out, and I will have everything I need.
The "Meatless Monday" thing continues.  :-)  I have lost somewhere between 9 and 12 lbs since January 6th (the scale at my doctor's office is not digital, and thus off by a few pounds; I use a digital scale at home).  The weight loss is awesome; the way my body feels is more awesome.  The way I'm able to control my cravings for food and meat and gross stuff that I used to eat all the time.  It's pretty empowering.
I feel different.  I'm noticing how much people need validation from others in order to feel successful, and it makes me sick.  I'm noticing how much worth people place on material things and worldly success and it makes me laugh.  Whatever happened to dedicating one's life to a good cause, to helping sick people, or teaching children?  Why is it now, "Let's teach you how to not need anyone else but yourself?"
I think that we need other people.  We were created to live in community.  I believe in placing people above possessions, and time over treasures.  Making connections is the most important thing in my eyes, but connections over meaningful things, things of the soul and person, not material things.  
I believe that success is defined by lots of things, not just the car you drive or the amount of money you make for the work you do or do not do.  I believe that people from "mediocre" surroundings and beginnings can rise to make the most of themselves and their resources.  I believe that everybody does the best with what they have; I believe that some people have more available to them than others.  I don't believe that everyone is afforded the same opportunities.  I believe that there is a journey laid out for each person.  I don't like the word mediocre; it's just a word man created to decide what to judge as better or of higher quality.  I don't like the world that man is continuing to create; it's judgemental and harsh and places way too much value on comparing ourselves to those surrounding us.  I know I have to live in the world, but I can choose to live by the standards I believe are the true standards, and refuse to CONFORM to those telling me that I am CONFORMING. 
You're right, people, there is more to life.  But it is definitely NOT what you're trying to tell me it is (cars, money, time to loaf and do nothing).  I already know what it is.  I choose to be confident in what MY JOURNEY is turning out to be.

MY GIANT EPIPHANY

Soooo the writer in me is currently screaming for release, so here I go.  I worked today, ran around with the kids for 6 hours, yay fun.  Then I embarked on what I will now remember as the most meaningful hour of my life, and I will always have the holidays to thank for it.
Okay, so Mexicans (in Mexico) celebrate this holiday in January, I've heard both the 6th and 7th, called Los Reyes Magos.  Basically, it's a holiday during which we remember the Three Wise Men from the biblical/Bethlehem/Baby Jesus story.  I know it's weird, and it's not a holiday recognized by the English-speaking world, haha, but anyway, like most Mexican holidays, a certain food is associated with it.  This particular food is called a Rosca.  It's hard to explain, but it's a bakery product; I described it earlier as a giant wreath made out of bread, possible with fruit filling.  It's a festive family food, eaten for the Reyes Magos day in January. 
My Mexican (-American) friends asked me to hunt down one of these "pastries".  I couldn't fine one yesterday, which brings me back to the most meaningful hour of my life (which happened today).  After I got off work at 4:30, I started driving around Salina, heading towards the two Mexican stores I knew of.  I stopped into both, one a general food store/butcher, one a tortilleria, which means tortilla shop, and asked the people behind the counters if they knew of a panaderia, bakery, where I could find the aforementioned rosca.  I ended up finding the bakery, but the last rosca got bought right in front of me!!! Sigh.  I decided to keep driving down Cloud street, cuz I remembered that there was another little Mexican shop, thought I'd just STOP IN, see if they HAPPENED TO HAVE any bakery items.  I found the shop, and they didn't have bakery items, but this is where it turned into the most important hour of my life, so pay attention.
I spent about 15 minutes talking to the store owner's daughter.  She's a young girl, and it was fun to talk about our favorite Mexican snacks, etc (I bought a bag of Takis -- Mexican hot cheetos! )).  Right as I was headed out the door, I mean, my hand was on the door, holding the door open, I asked her, "Are you still in high school?"  She said, "Oh yeah, I'm a junior at South High."  I said, "Oh cool, I work with some kids there," and proceeded to encourage her to not give up on her education and to consider persuing a higher education in the area.  She asked "Did you go to college?" I said, "Yeah, I graduated from Bethany a little while ago." Our conversation ended with me encouraging her that to be a bilingual, Hispanic-American young female with a college degree out here is absolutely amazing and the opportunities are endless.  She thanked me for my advice, I walked out the door, got in my car, and commenced my drive home to Ellworth. 
About 15 miles into the drive, I had a lightbulb moment, kinda comic.  Here follows the conversation I had with myself: "Haha, I would make a really good admissions rep for the colleges out here, I talk them up so much.  Haha, yeah, and I could help with the families that don't understand English! That'd be cool. Oh wait, I kinda was already doing that at Bethany when I was an Ambassador (giving tours to prospective students and their families).  Wow, that's cool.  Well, yeah, I already have a job, so I know I'm not going to go work for a college.  Wow, what if I could speak to Hispanic-American female teenagers and be like an advocate for secondary education, and inspire them to go for it and stuff?  Whoah!  Why haven't I thought of this before?  We have SO MANY young girls in Salina that need the encouragement! Dude....I could start a non-profit.  Whoah."
Thus, another piece of my lifelong mission, falling into place right before me, on my quiet drive down Old Highway 40 between Salina and Ellsworth, Kansas.
I called my best friend Jodi, a recent Bethany graduate who just finished student teaching this last semester, and blabbed to her about my idea.  As I talked, more ideas came: not only could I make one of my focuses (foci?) empowering young Hispanic-American women, but what about the rest of the Hispanic-American teenage population in Kansas?  I'll bet there are statistics out there that show that more Hispanic-American teenagers go to college on the east and west coasts than they do in the Midwest.  Why?  There are so many more resources on the coasts for the families!  The Spanish is more prevalent, there are more Hispanic-American people in general, and there are more young Hispanic-American professionals.  There are more Hispanic-American professionals out on the coasts working with admissions departments of colleges and universities, and thus, these colleges and universities have more ways of getting in touch with the families, making the parents a part of the admission process, explaining WHAT THE HECK COLLEGE IS IN THE FIRST PLACE, etc etc etc!! Here in the Midwest, we simply don't have the numbers.  So, the families who move their first (or second) generation kids to the Midwest to "improve their chances at a better education" are still not getting the help they need!  What if I could be a part of something that reached out to these families here?  The coasts shouldn't be the only ones sending Hispanic-Americans successfully through college!  Parents in the midwest should not feel totally lost all the time!!  I know that I am already seeing the effects of the cultural differences and the lack of understanding in some of the cases on my load in my new job.  Parents are afraid, question the unknown, question motives, don't want schools involved in their lives, just take the kids to school, pick them up, don't ask questions, barely get their kids into sports (although they are highly sought , and recruited; I think that when people out here see brown, they see "athletic" LOL), so what makes us think the parents understand what the FAFSA is, or what a degree is, or what an admissions rep is???? AAAGGGHHHH.
I want to change the statistics.  I want to break the cyle.  I want to start a non-profit organization where I can make a positive impact on all these areas.  And especially, the young Hispanic-American girls weigh SO heavily upon my heart.  A lot of these first-generation girls, like me, grow up seeing Dad earn the dough for the family, usually doing something industrial.  They see Mom stay home with the kids and cook, or, be a cleaning lady at a hotel or work in the fields (or out here in Kansas: meatpacking).  They see Nana (grandma) at home taking care of the kids, making the tortillas, cleaning.  Not that there is anything wrong with that.  This is my childhood, people.  This is what I grew up in.  I didn't know that women could be professionals.  I didn't know about college, or any of this, and so I know that there are young girls out there RIGHT NOW in the EXACT SAME POSITION I was.  I was fortunate and inspired enough to go find more, and still keep my roots, and make both my parents proud.  After all, this is the DREAM.  This is why our parents moved here in the first place.  For us to succeed.  Do you see what I'm saying????  This is important people!  I feel such an urgency!! So, I know that part of my job is TO HELP PEOPLE UNDERSTAND!! So that's what I want to do. I want to be or find liasons for schools, families, and colleges or universities.  I want to find people just like me who see the urgency too.  I want to train people to help me speak to young girls and boys about their roots, their childhoods, the things that mold them, the things that inspire them, and their FUTURES.  I want to speak to large groups of parents and grandparents, in their own language, tell them about all the opportunities available to them and their children.  I'm so blessed that this dawning/idea/epiphany/revelation happened to me at age 24.  This means I HAVE THE REST OF MY LIFE to work on this project.  How awesome is this?  Wow.

Coffee Creamer

I looked at two duplexes today; well the second one may have been a "triplex" (2-story house converted into 3 units).  The first one wasn't bad, but it seemed to me and my sidekick Nikki that the foundation of the house was off.  Plus the basement is shared, and it's kinda dirty and dingy.  And I guess tenants are responsible for the yard, cuz that, too, needed some help.  Then again it's winter in Kansas, and everything is dead. 
The second place, we looked at 2 of the 3 units; as Nikki put it, "They were just nasty". Um, the one with the washer and dryer had one of those old school little white half-stoves.  And stickers all over cupboards, glitter glue all over doors....it may only be 300/month for either one of these two, but the other had a gas leak, and it just doesn't seem like the landlord does much to take care of the property.  Sigh.  Just because I don't have a 1,000 budget doesn't mean I want to live in a piece of crap.
I am really needing something better to pop up.
On the car side, I got insurance today, through Progressive.  If you have ever considered Progressive, but are skeptical, let me tell you that they are pretty awesome.  Call 1-800-PROGRESSIVE.  I don't think you'll regret it.
So, I am feeling half and half.  Accomplished for getting the car and the insurance on my own; bummed about trying to find a decent place in Salina that isn't crap.  Sigh.  So is life, I suppose.