Friday, January 31, 2014

Rewind. Take Two. (Happy 2014)

I feel like I am failing 2014.  Yes, already.

I feel like the end of 2013 took a little more out of me than I expected.  But, I am frustrated because I know that I am meant to achieve greatness.  I feel like I have been forced to slow down, but maybe like my body isn't fully caught up with my brain yet.  Or like my hand isn't caught up with my arm, which isn't caught up with my brain. 

Does anyone else feel like they took the entire month of January to get back on track, back to a "normal" schedule after the holidays?

I almost feel like I spent months blowing up this giant hot-air balloon, getting ready for take-off, got myself all situated inside it, and then when I finally untethered it, it not only did not start moving upwards, but all of the air automatically gushed out of the balloon.


I feel like my heart is in the right place, and I have the right idea of things (setting goals, being very organized, keeping myself accountable).  But then why does it feel like I'm dragging sacks of concrete with each step?  Through quicksand, that is? While wearing a couple of those weighted vests that they put on you whenever you get any sort of x-rays done?

So, then the anxiety tries to come in.  You may recall that I have spent the last several years battling pretty serious anxiety and depression.  In September of 2013, I was finally able to go off medication for it, which was a victory.  It's been nearly 5 months, and I continue to function without the medication. 

However, this doesn't mean "I'm cured".  This doesn't mean that all of the anxiety magically disappears, and that I have a grand ol' time every day, always feeling happy.  I know that for myself, and for any of us, anxiety is always lurking around the corner, threatening to steal our moments.  I see it in the way I stress about how this year is going to go, in the way I feverishly try to control each and every moment of my day.

I started with right intentions, but if I'm not careful, I can let myself try to dictate everything.  Because I'm a Christian, this means I'm not trusting my God.  If I weren't a Christian, this would mean that I am completely unaccepting of what the universe has in store for me.

Either way, I'm wrong, and either way, I'm missing out on a potentially beautiful adventure.

Peace is going to come from a mix of sweet surrender and enthusiastic planning.  Key word: "enthusiastic" not "obsessive".  And once I have the peaceful feeling again, then maybe I will allow room for everything to shuffle around and line up in it's proper place.  But I've got to quit trying to force it. 

January was such a blur.  But I know that I've probably attracted that to myself by my stress.  So as I delve into February, I will give myself a "Take Two".  This time, I'll loosen the reins and be more present in each moment.  Maybe now, it will actually feel like I've finally hit "Play" on 2014.