More excerpts from September 3rd...
I don’t really want to be like anyone else on this
planet. I am very happy being myself,
and drawing inspiration from where I may, and spending time on the inside of
myself, developing my goals and values. So
I think that’s my challenge, is working with people who intimidate me and make
me uncomfortable. I think what makes me
uncomfortable is that they judge me.
They don’t understand me. I am
able to understand them, even though I don’t know them very well anymore. They are motivated by different things than I
am motivated by. They like their cars,
money, status, and hype, social circles.
I am not motivated by cars or money.
I’m just not. I would love to
have more money to help my mom and sisters, to help people in the neighborhood,
and to have more in my savings account.
But, I also know that God is going to provide everything I need with
everything I have. I honestly don’t want
a flat screen plasma TV. I don’t want
400 channels of cable. I don’t want
designer clothes. I just don’t. I believe in using used things. I believe in using things and resources that
are already in existence. Why create a
bunch of crap that contributes to the energy crisis and a wasteful
lifestyle? ß That is honestly my
lifestyle motto.
So, it is extremely
difficult for me to play a part and rely on people who don’t agree with that
lifestyle at all, people who have to have the latest, best, and trendiest. That’s just not me. That’s my challenge. I know people who are not into God’s timing, they are into
their own. So…this is very hard. I have to listen to God and rely on his grace
to give me the courage to proceed with this business as he sets apart for
me. I can do this business in the name
of Jesus and for the glory of his kingdom...it’s kind of all up to
me. And then I stop and go, “No, it’s
not all up to me, God will reveal.”
Exasperation!! Then, I have to fight the exasperation by taking deep
breaths and reminding myself that God is in control. I kind of feel schizophrenic. J I feel like lots of
different sides of my brain all battling each other, lots of different aspects
of my personality constantly at work, and it’s kind of exhausting. I think the biggest thing I’m learning in my
walk with Jesus is this: yes, you’re going to have dreams, hopes, and goals for
your future. However, God has dreams,
hopes, and goals for your future, too.
And guess, what? These may not
always line up. Are you willing to sit
still where God has placed you once in a while, and listen? Are you willing to say, “God, you are in
charge today, help me be everything I need to be today, please!”? Or, are you going to say, “Sorry, God, but
your plans for me just aren’t good enough.
I think I’ll do it my way today and see if you approve later.”
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