SeekingStriving: A Letter to My Body

11-24-2013

Dear Body,

I wanted to take a little bit of time and express some of my thoughts to you. I feel like I’ve been suppressing them for a long time, and I think it’s really time to get them out.

I can’t lie; I’ve never really communicated with you before. I always just kept everything inside and thought that my thoughts meant nothing. I thought it was all better left unsaid.

You’ve confused me, Body.

I have lots of memories of moments when I wasn’t very happy with you. Like in 4^th grade, when you decided you wanted to be 5’4” tall and weight 133 pounds. That was awkward, but I didn’t say anything; I just went with it. Then in sixth grade, you wanted to weigh 186 pounds! But then, you decided you wanted to run all those laps at P.E. and prove to all the other Bodies that you could do it.

In 7^th grade, when I wanted to play basketball, you didn’t like it. You wouldn’t get it together and figure it out, and I didn’t make the team, and I was upset. But then, I was able to throw the shotput pretty well. And play soccer. So, there you went, changing your mind again.

In 8^th grade, in modeling school, they tried to tell me that “if maybe I lost some weight” I could better fit into their hourglass figure they were describing.

Then, freshman year of high school, I tried to control you. I thought you were too big, and that we couldn’t achieve what I wanted if I didn’t control you. So I starved you of carbohydrates for a little while, and I took those diet pills to make you burn fat. I’m sorry about that. I knew by the way you responded that this particular pattern was not going to be something permanent because it was not okay with you at all.

I also wanted to apologize for all the times I put you down in high school. It was really hard to not compare myself to all the other Bodies around me, and I think I was so used to everyone being smaller than us, that I automatically thought you were the biggest Body around. I may have eaten right and treated you well with exercise and training hard in the weight room, but I did not send my Brain good messages about you. I admit that I always had really negative conversations about you without you knowing.

I have to say that I didn’t feel comfortable with you until college. And thank you, by the way, for getting me into college, and for getting the majority of my tuition paid for. Because you obeyed all the demands I put on you in my athletic training, I got that track and field scholarship, and even a partial cross-country one. You continued to exceed my expectations, and those of everyone around us. I don’t think I’ve thanked you enough for that.

When you decided it was time to be an adult though, in my junior year of college, I have to say you surprised me and angered me quite a bit. You changed, Body. You made everything more difficult. I couldn’t run as fast as I used to, and I had to buy new clothes. I swore I could feel everyone judging me. I didn’t want to let go of everything you and I had shared, but you forced me into accepting the way things were going to be now. I think I’m still kind of angry with you about that.

After college was over, I was so relieved. I didn’t have to push you as hard, so I stopped pushing. I let us get lazy. This is where I really messed up. I fooled myself into thinking that we could get by with just getting by, and your responses showed me just how wrong I was.

You started attacking me more than ever; the anxiety attacks that happened, the extra weight that came around, the thyroid problems. All the signs were you screaming at me, as loudly as you could, “Hey! Pay attention! You’re messing me up! I don’t feel good!”

And I just ignored you.

It took me a year and a half, but I woke up. I started making efforts, and talking to you more kindly, and accepting what you were going to look like. I set different goals, and I started to come to peace with the fact that you are the only Body I will ever have, and that you can be my best friend, or my worst enemy.

Even as I write this letter, I can see images of myself in 2^nd grade with you, feeling insecure about how tall you were, or in 3^rd grade, feeling so much bigger than anyone else. I realize now that my slumber, my period of ignorance regarding the way I was treating you lasted much longer than a year and a half. It lasted 18 years. And I’m finally tired of comparing you to all the other Bodies out there. I want us to have a good relationship, a loving, positive one.

All these years, Body, I’ve always had some reason or another for wanting you to change. But now I want you to know that I’m the one willing to change. I’m willing to control my thoughts so they are positive ones, and I’m willing to nourish you and protect you with the right foods in order to keep you functioning right. I’m willing to stop comparing you to other Bodies unfairly, and to stop having demanding expectations of you.

Thank you for all the healthy years you’ve given me that I’ve always been too ignorant to see. Thank you for every mile you’ve run for me, every pound you’ve lifted in the weight room, every pushup, sit-up, and jumping jack you’ve done; thank you for your functioning arms and legs, and for the concentration you put into 10 years of coordination necessary for throwing the shotput. Thanks for being strong and healthy, even when I didn’t treat you the best. Thank you for always trying your best.

I hope you can accept my apology, and that we can move forward from here. I hope that the next 18 years and beyond will be filled with less hateful thoughts and words. I hope you can forgive me and trust me to treat you better from now on.

Thanks for listening to me and letting me get all of that out. I’ll make sure that I communicate with you a lot more from now on.

Talk soon,