Burritos at Midnight

12/8/16

#keepcalmWRITEon Day 8

***

I was driving home from work.  Now, mind you, my work is not like regular work.  It’s shift work, at a PRTF (that’s short for Psychiatric Residential Treatment Facility).  My shift ends at 11:00 pm, and tonight, I was driving away at 11:59 pm—midnight.  I’d just spent 11 hours managing 40 emotionally and behaviorally challenged kids and teenagers, and all the staff that go with them.  Luckily, I didn’t get cussed out or punched or scratched today. But, still, I was tired.  My co-supervisor and I had just finished hashing out staffing for tomorrow, and frankly, it looked a little grim.

I didn’t get to eat dinner at work today, partially because Breakfast/Lunch-Hybrid Meal was not until 4:00pm and I wasn’t hungry yet, and partially because I was so busy attending to the different needs that arise at the PRTF. 

So, of course, I decided that I should pull through the drive-through at Pancho’s (BEST FOOD EVER), on my way home (breaking my rule of not eating restaurant food late at night...I've been really good about that lately, but I felt like I could give myself permission to go!).

So, feeling like I had rationalized well with myself, off to Pancho’s I drove.

It’s worth mentioning that today was the second REALLY COLD day of the year.  The high temperature this afternoon reached 25 degrees, and driving through town, I noticed the glittering, sparkling frost atop the roofs of several buildings.  I was enjoying the drive; it gave me a few extra minutes to wind down and get my brain to chill out after the busy evening at work.

Pulling into Pancho’s, I noticed the line of cars wrapped all the way around the drive-thru and around the building.  “Wow!” I thought, “It’s poppin’ tonight! Everyone must be hungry tonight.”

I knew I would wait in line for several minutes before anyone took my order, and even a few more minutes while I paid at the window and my food was being prepared.  I ordered two things --a bacon breakfast burrito and a chicken quesadilla – thinking that I could save one for tomorrow’s Breakfast-Lunch Hybrid Meal.  While I waited, I absentmindedly checked my phone, wrote in my calendar, and thought about what I would do when I got home…until I saw him.

He had blonde-ish, brown-ish hair, that looked a little long…and he wore all black, and glasses on his face.  He seemed young, in his 20’s, and he carried a backpack, and seemed to be doing some sort of dance between walking in and out of the building.  He began to cross the street in front of me towards the parking lot; I couldn’t tell what he was doing, so I let the car in front of me pull away and I waited – unsure of what this guy was doing or where he was going.  He turned back around and approached the door to the building again, and this time, made eye contact with me, and –could that be?—yes, he waved at me.

I was so tired from work and distracted by my phone and planners, I couldn’t decide if this was actually happening or not.  But yes; he waved at me and began motioning and gesturing…asking for food, drink, something, ANYTHING.  I began to shake my head at him, in disbelief.  I hadn’t pulled all the way up to the window yet and had nobody to discuss the matter with but myself.  

As I furrowed my brow at him, I pulled up to the window and paid for my food, handing my debit card securely to the cashier, then making eye contact with the stranger while I tucked my debit card out of sight.  When my food was handed to me, I knew what I would do.  I reached into my takeout bag, pulled out my burrito, and put it in my left hand— then I rolled down my window.

I pulled my car forward and handed the burrito to the stranger.  He said, “I love you, thank you” and I told him, “It’s a bacon breakfast burrito, it’s delicious”.

He said, “You’re awesome”.

And I drove away.

I watched him in my rearview mirror, saw him beginning to unwrap the burrito.

That was it.

An encounter not more than 2 minutes in length.

An exchange between two human beings: one with the power to improve the others’ day; the other, would never be able to repay her.

It just made me think.

How many people in front of me, in that long line of cars on this cold December night, avoided eye contact with this stranger?

How many of them drove right on past him, with overpriced burritos in their cars, heading to their cozy, warm homes…without even giving him a second thought?  If I hadn't driven through tonight, would he have eaten?

How long had he stood there, smelling the food from outside the restaurant, knowing there wasn’t a seat for him at the table inside, because he had nothing in his pockets?

I have never truly gone without.

I have never known true hunger or need.  Even in my worst times, I’ve always had a roof over my head.  I have never had to beg.

Who am I, that I get to buy a giant burrito and a stuffed quesadilla, at midnight, without thinking anything of it? Who am I, that I deserve to go to bed in a warm bed tonight with a full stomach?

I just don’t get it.

I could have decided that I was too tired to care, that my day had been too long, and that I needed to take care of myself now and put myself first and keep myself safe and look out for myself and do what I needed to do for me, because it’s late it’s the middle of the night and this isn’t rational and this is crazy and why didn’t you go straight home and I put up with too much crap at work and I don’t deserve that and what about me and that this guy could hurt me and who knows what he wants and don’t give him money he’ll use it for drugs and you shouldn’t enable because they all need to work and Gilda you work hard for your money you need to guard it more carefully and you can’t save them all Gilda just keep driving just give him an apologetic look on your way and say a prayer for him that God would bless him tonight…

…

If all I have to do to make a difference in the life of my neighbor, is to buy a burrito for someone who hasn’t eaten that day, when I would buy two for myself anyway…why hesitate?

Why not help create a world:

“…where the hungry feast

because the fed

are fasting.

Where I learn to go without so others no longer have to plead

Where there is enough for everyone’s need

But not everyone’s greed…”

I’ll survive without that burrito.  To me, it was extra, something I didn’t really need. To him, it was divine provision.

I hope I gave him hope tonight. 

We can all do so much if we all just look out for one another.

Discipline me, Lord, in the weakening power of Your simplicity. I am so honored to be the blessing.

Nothing to Wear

“Ughhhhhrhrhghghghg!!! What am I gonna WEAR?!”

“I wore that same blouse last week, I can’t wear it again.”

“Is this dress too spring-y, or can I pull it off with tights and boots? Are these boots too winter-y?”

“No, those are always my go-to nice dressy pants.  I seriously don’t have another pair?!”

These are just a few of the many thinking errors that plague my brain as I stand in front of my (full) closet, saying, “I have nothing to wear.”
And the sad part? I’m not even stressing about what to wear to work, or to a birthday party, or a formal occasion.

I’m stressing about what to wear to church.

CHURCH, of all places.  The place I’m supposed to feel safe and accepted.  And here I am, acting like I’m about to hit the runway at a fashion show, judged for the way my clothes flatter my body.

Now hold it right there, because I don’t think the people in my congregation are out to get me, or shame me for my lack of trendiness. But, in a setting where so many strive to look their best, I do see lots of trends and “fashion”.

I find it interesting that we can’t all just wear plain jeans and plain t-shirts to church.  And the people who do, why are those individuals seen as “casual” or “young” or “relaxed” or, my favorite, “more MODERN”?
Why do we categorize people according to what they wear?  We all do it. Those in heels and fancy coats are labeled “girly” or “conservative” or “traditional”.
(Yes, I think this is definitely an area that women have more experience and trouble with.)

I’ve been on two mission trips to foreign countries thus far: Bolivia and Grenada.  Each of these countries had their own unique customs, including dress.  But I didn’t feel pressured to look or dress a certain way, and I didn’t see anything other than God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit be the focus of their gathering.  Not once in either of these two countries did someone greet me with, “Oh, you look so cute today!”
It’s just interesting to me that this is the first thing out of our mouths so often here in our privileged society.

I suppose it’s nice and considered good manners to acknowledge when someone puts a little extra time into their appearance that morning, and I’m not saying it doesn’t feel good when I do get a compliment.
But do I wish I didn’t care? Yeah, I do.  I wish I could wear my black t-shirt, jeans, and running shoes to church every week, and not have a care in the world.  

I can’t help but think of all these countries out there, some whose names we don’t even know, where there are small churches in the jungle somewhere, where attendees worship and dance around barefoot, in the same clothes they’ve worn all week, their neighbor not knowing any different because they’re wearing their only set of clothes as well.  I want to be that free.

Twice now this year, I’ve challenged myself to wear only 7 items of clothing, for a week straight. (I was inspired by the book “7” by Jen Hatmaker)

 I narrowed it down to: a black t-shirt, one pair of jeans, one pair of running shoes, a set of workout shorts and t-shirt, and pajamas.

I’ve learned that people don’t pay nearly as much attention as I think they do, at church, work, or anywhere else, but I’ve also learned that dress still matters to me.  I’ve figured out that when I have a “spare coat closet” holding all my dresses, both casual and formal, plus any out-of-season cardigans or sweaters; and also a coat closet in my living room holding my actual coats and hoodies----this may mean I have too much.  
I’ve never considered myself to have a clothing problem, but when I think about the children in my city who wear the same pair of jeans for weeks on end without washing them, I feel my contribution to the injustice.  We see obvious needs like food and shelter, but do we stop to think about the insecurity being developed inside the child who wears the same outfits on repeat each week, while watching their classmate Little Suzy wear a brand-new outfit or pair of shoes once a week?* When did the gap grow so large? (And why do Suzy’s parents feel the need to buy her so many new things all the time?)

If I do research on the countries printed on the tags of my clothing, what would I find out? As Jen Hatmaker has paraphrased from a different author, “Am I wearing someone else’s despair?”  What is the story of the person who slaved away to create my dress?

I do buy 99.9% of my clothing second-hand, so I try really hard not to feed the machine.

But if I can find a way to eloquently state that the image we create for ourselves has very little to do with our clothing, and much more with the way we give and show love to others, then maybe someone out there will quit spending thousands of dollars a year on clothes and put it towards a more worthy cause.

Because I don’t care what anybody says, we are not contributing to ourselves or our wellbeing by putting expensive clothes on our bodies. We’re just making it okay for the commercial industry to tell us what we need in order to be accepted.** Let’s all realize that we have bigger fish to fry.










*Of course, I am for teaching our kids that even if they do wear the same outfit on repeat, they still have worth.  But are insecurity, and comparison, and anxiety real things? Yes, they are. Are kids blind to privilege and brand-name clothing? No, they're not.
** Yes, some of this is difficult or awkward for me to think and say, as someone who has ventured into the modeling industry in the past.

#eatINsept

 

Saturday, September 28, 2013

 

Today is the twenty-eighth day in a row that I only eat what I can cook at home. 

 

“Eat IN September” was born out of the blue for me.  I just wanted to challenge myself to go a whole month without eating outside the home.  (I think in the back of my mind, I wanted to save some money, but this was not the driving thought.)

 

Then my friend Maggie decided she wanted to join me.  I didn’t ask her to, beg her to because, “I just can’t do this by myself, I need someone to keep me accountable!”

 

Nope, it just happened. 

 

Even though the concept came seemingly “out of the blue”, I now believe that there was a reason for it.  There was a reason I chose this particular month, in this particular year, in this particular season of my life.  I’ve had some changes at work that require me to drive more, and had I not sacrificed eating outside the home, I may have found myself in the red financially this month.  I’m also trying to pay for my trip to Orlando in December, for a national talent showcase that I’ve been invited to participate in.  The money I’ve saved from eating IN will help me pay for that trip.  I realize now that it was not an accident that this idea dawned on me this particular month.

 

It was also not an accident that Maggie decided to join.  I believe she’s learned a lot about herself this month too, and has also opened her eyes to some things in her budget that she may not have seen before. 

 

I think it’s most of all been empowering.  I really DON’T have to let the machine of consumerism control me! I really CAN step out and CHOOSE to do something different, small a thing as it may be.  This month has shown me that I still have that willpower I remember having in my teenage years, before jobs and incomes and stress and work and freedom. 

 

One of the coolest moments that happened this month was with my friend Jodi.  She lives in a tiny town about an hour and half’s drive away, where she teaches music.  She and I had been trying to schedule a Friday night/Saturday for me to come visit her for about a YEAR now!   Well, this month, I finally made it happen, because I wanted to make it happen before the weather changed and then I had THAT excuse as to why I couldn’t make time to go see my friend. 

 

Well, in scheduling my visit, I said, “So, the thing is, Jodi, I can’t eat out this month.  I’m doing a month-long challenge and I can only eat what I buy in the grocery store.  So…we may have to get creative.”

 

Her response? 

 

“Oh, okay! I have tons of food!  Will you want dinner when you get here? We can figure it out!”

 

We then proceeded to plan how we would shop for the makings of a picnic lunch on that Saturday morning.  Which we did.  And where did we picnic? IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE.  On her family’s farmland.  Surrounded by fields and nothing else, with the sun warming our backs, and the bugs trying to share our food. 

 

It was awesome.

 

What was more awesome was the fact that Jodi said, “I’m so glad you did this no-eat-out thing; I’ve never been on a picnic before in my whole life, and I wouldn’t have been able to today, if we could have just gone to a restaurant for lunch!”

 

Epic win.

 

I took video.  It was that exciting. 

 

It was a first for me, too.  Eating in the middle of nowhere, that is. 

 

This month also went by really fast.  After the first week and a half, it was already a habit to just cook at home, pack lunch, eat before I leave the house, take a snack.  I can’t believe I only have 2 and a half days left! 

 

I may end up carrying on with this.  Maybe I can finish out 2013 eating at home. 

 

Dare me?

My Plans are not your plans..

More excerpts from September 3rd...

 

I don’t really want to be like anyone else on this planet.  I am very happy being myself, and drawing inspiration from where I may, and spending time on the inside of myself, developing my goals and values.  So I think that’s my challenge, is working with people who intimidate me and make me uncomfortable.  I think what makes me uncomfortable is that they judge me.  They don’t understand me.  I am able to understand them, even though I don’t know them very well anymore.  They are motivated by different things than I am motivated by.  They like their cars, money, status, and hype, social circles.  I am not motivated by cars or money.  I’m just not.  I would love to have more money to help my mom and sisters, to help people in the neighborhood, and to have more in my savings account.  But, I also know that God is going to provide everything I need with everything I have.  I honestly don’t want a flat screen plasma TV.  I don’t want 400 channels of cable.  I don’t want designer clothes.  I just don’t.  I believe in using used things.  I believe in using things and resources that are already in existence.  Why create a bunch of crap that contributes to the energy crisis and a wasteful lifestyle?  ß That is honestly my lifestyle motto. 

So, it is extremely difficult for me to play a part and rely on people who don’t agree with that lifestyle at all, people who have to have the latest, best, and trendiest.  That’s just not me.  That’s my challenge.     I know people who are not into God’s timing, they are into their own.  So…this is very hard.  I have to listen to God and rely on his grace to give me the courage to proceed with this business as he sets apart for me.  I can do this business in the name of Jesus and for the glory of his kingdom...it’s kind of all up to me.  And then I stop and go, “No, it’s not all up to me, God will reveal.”  Exasperation!! Then, I have to fight the exasperation by taking deep breaths and reminding myself that God is in control.  I kind of feel schizophrenic.  J I feel like lots of different sides of my brain all battling each other, lots of different aspects of my personality constantly at work, and it’s kind of exhausting.  I think the biggest thing I’m learning in my walk with Jesus is this: yes, you’re going to have dreams, hopes, and goals for your future.  However, God has dreams, hopes, and goals for your future, too.  And guess, what?  These may not always line up.  Are you willing to sit still where God has placed you once in a while, and listen?  Are you willing to say, “God, you are in charge today, help me be everything I need to be today, please!”?  Or, are you going to say, “Sorry, God, but your plans for me just aren’t good enough.  I think I’ll do it my way today and see if you approve later.”