I Have Been Broken

November 3, 2012

 

“Everything happens for a reason.” 

 

How cliché is that for an opening thought?

 Last night at our women’s mini conference, one of our group discussion questions was “What is something that you think God has allowed you to go through in order for you to help bless someone else?”

 

I laughed and asked, “You want just one thing?”

 

The more I stop and think, and the more I pour myself into God’s work and purpose for me, the more I realize how much each and every one of my life experiences, both positive and negative, has truly had an impact on the person I’ve discovered within myself.  (I don’t want to say “the person I’ve become”, because I believe I’ve always been this person; I’ve just taken some detours and back roads to arrive at the place where I can appreciate the scenery.)

 

I never thought that all my experiences with panic, stress, and anxiety would ever be of help to myself in the future, much less to anyone else. 

 

Today, when Beth Moore said something about, “…all these people hurting, and just needing someone to say loud and clear ‘I’ve been there! I understand!’”, I felt something in my heart twist and pop.  Lately, I’ve felt like I’ve done a lot of “I’ve been there; I understand.”  I can’t imagine not having experienced the things I have, and still be able to help my friends.  I’ve got a few close people in my life who are truly struggling right now. I would have no idea what to say to them, no idea how to make anything bearable or seem not as daunting, had I not first-hand experienced gut-wrenching depression and low self-esteem myself. 

 

What’s more, the confidence I have gained in the last several years is nearly beyond measure!  I have come to find peace by experiencing a loss of control.  I was talking to Tina tonight, about how I had to hit rock bottom and relinquish control, to regain any sense of control or order in my life at all.  I relinquished all my control over to God.  But even if there were no God, letting go and letting nature and the world and circumstances do what they are going to do is merely accepting your special role in the universe.  It is not complacency.  It is peace. 

 

Some people say, “Create the circumstances you want.”  I’ve decided that I am truly over this whole “I am the captain of my soul and fate” thing.  Yes, we have to decide to succeed.  Yes, we have to consciously decide to make positive choices.  Yes, unless we actively decide to participate in, appreciate, or dedicate something, it will not happen.  But we cannot control everything around us.  We can only choose how we respond to everything and everyone around us.  And I choose to respond by knowing that I take each step in the will that God has for me.  I have come to learn that his will is perfect for my life.  I stand firm in that, because it is my only choice.  But this single choice opens up world of endless possibilities for me. 

 

Choosing to submit to God’s will for your life does not mean confining yourself to a box.  God has numerous gifts for each person, numerous ways he can bless you, and numerous ways he can use you to bless others.  All things are possible for God, and you have no idea how He will use you from one day to the next!  It is refreshing to know that you are in his will, at peace, and prepared to serve. 

 

Coming to learn that I don’t need anyone else to complete me has been a liberating experience.  Beth Moore said something about, “Once you don’t need other people to fill you up, you become everybody’s favorite person.”

 

I want to speak on this till my voice fades.  I have felt people drawing close to me lately.  People have been coming to me, seeking advice, seeking knowledge.  I have come from rock bottom to being able to help others find their own voices and stand firm on their rock.  I never thought I’d be able to do that.  I have a ministry.  I, the broken teenager, the downtrodden college sophomore, the insecure girlfriend; I have a ministry.  I know what to say to people to challenge them to find their own identity, plead with them to think before acting, and help them glue the pieces of their life’s puzzle back together.  This is all because I have been broken too, and because I fight against my own brokenness every single day. 

 

I am no better, no smarter, no more put-together than anyone else.  I do not have a life that anyone should be envious of; I do not wish to parade my possessions for others to admire.  I am merely a part of this great human family, and am on a mission to help as many people as I can figure out their own special part in this family.