8 Months Free

May 1, 2014

So it’s been 8 months since I stopped taking any anti-depressant or anti-anxiety medication, after 5-and-a-half years of being on them. (Over the course of those 5+ plus years, I took 3 different medications. Number 3 was the one that worked best for me)

 I think it’s time to update everyone (and myself) a bit on what I’ve gained and lost from this process.

I made this decision on my own, and asked for my doctor’s support.  We designed a “taper off” plan for me to follow, which I proceeded to do, and before I knew it, I didn’t have to remember to take a pill anymore.  I didn’t have to call in refills, or budget for the cost of the medication.  When going on an overnight trip, I didn’t need to pack my pill.  I didn’t need to worry about keeping it in my carry-on while flying.  I could stop worrying about all the horrendous chemical reactions going on inside my body.  Shedding all these things made me feel like I freed up tons of brain space.  I gained confidence, for a while, and optimism about my ability to cope with my emotions and stressors using my own skills and strength.

So, how do I feel?  What is it like?  Am I “cured”?

I wish it was all good news, or that I could say I’m all better now.

I feel like I’ve lost my energy, my sparkle, the pep in my step.  I can’t help but notice how much more taxing it is for me to get up early, and stay up late.  I enjoy being active.  For the last two years, in addition to working my full-time job, I had a class, a Bible study group, or something I was volunteering for, at least 4 evenings a week.  Plus, sometimes I work overtime on Saturdays, and was volunteering at my church on Saturdays, and then I added some volunteering time on Sundays twice a month.  Sometimes, I would attend all 3 of my church’s services in a weekend, because I had the energy and desire to.  I enjoyed hanging with friends, and sharing about my life, smiling, talking, and laughing.  

When I stopped taking my medication, one of the first things to go was my motivation for evening commitments.  Out the door went youth group, for which I volunteered as a leader, and Bible study.  I started skipping out on my Tuesday night dinners that I had at a friend’s house.  I lost interest in being around people and making small talk.  All I wanted to do was go home, and be home, with my cat.  (She has been the best companion for the nearly 4 years she’s been part of my family)

“It is like” not really knowing how to get my old self back.  Is this reserved, independent person who I’ve been all along?

“It is like” I have to work really hard and plan ahead all the time, to make sure that I’m going to be in the right mood at the right time, for whatever it is my responsibilities are at the moment, be it work, volunteer, or social.

“It is like” I’m excited about not depending on a drug anymore, but I don’t feel as proud of myself as I used to feel.  

“It is like” every day is just a routine, something to get through, something to accomplish.  

“It is like” I have to work really darn hard to create the life I want, all the time; the feelings I want, the choices I want, the opportunities I want.  

“It is like” all these questions come up.  

“Was that person not really me?”

“Have I been fake for the last 5 years?”

“Do all my friends only know - and like- the medicated Gilda?”

“Does no one want to hang out with me because I’m depressing to be around?”

“Can I even handle my own life?”

The only choice I see is to keep trudging forward.  Because even at a crawl, I’m not waving that white flag.  The only thing I can choose to believe is that it does get better with time.  That I’m (STILL!) not done growing yet.  

Some days, I’m pretty miserable.  I get fed up with people and commitments; I find myself overly critical, feeling envious of those who possess things or live lifestyles different than mine.  There are moments where I let myself start spiraling down the black hole again, being angry at God for my circumstances, placing my worth in other people instead of in what He has said about me.  

Eventually, I distract myself.  I pick a coping skill (usually rigorous cardiovascular exercise) and go with it.  I hope to write more about the methods of self-defense I use against the enemy of the ever-looming cloud of doom.

Am I cured?  Choosing to separate yourself from something is the first step to ridding your life of it.  I work in the mental health field, so I’ve seen and know what Severe and Persistent Mental Illness looks like.  My level of anxiety and stress doesn’t fit that diagnosis, so I don’t know that “cure” is even a correct term (or that "cure" is a correct term for those who DO suffer from Severe and Persistent Mental Illness).  I believe that anxiety and stress should be managed, and if they are not, then they can lead to a chronic condition.

I know that my stress and anxiety have come from years of building certain thought patterns.  I continued to build these thought patterns as I grew up because I didn’t know any better.  So now, as a young adult, I start the hard work of undoing all those patterns of toxic thinking.  It isn’t easy.  There’s scientific research on this, folks.

So the truth is, if you decide that you can beat toxic thinking, and believe with all your heart that you will, it will still be difficult to do so, and take time.

I choose to be public about this because I refuse to be labeled or judged.  If I put everything out there, then there’s no stories people can make up about me, or judgements that people can make about “how it all started”.  And I can be an example of determination and strength.  

So.  Eight months down.  

There may or may not be a huge celebration involved for my 1-year anniversary.  :)

Road to Orlando: Dress Rehearsal

11-15-13

 

So, the Orlando Adventure continues.

We have had our monthly workshops, photo shoot, and this last weekend—our final dress rehearsal.

We went through our material for each different competition (which for me are TV Commercial, Monologue, Cold Read, Creative Runway, Photography, and Singing), and also got our final tidbits of information from our coaches. 

We got to practice mock interviews and callback decorum.  I really paid attention to detail and figured out that I will be going to mock interviews and callbacks for three different groups of people: casting directors for TV/movies; agents for modeling; and theatre and music people for singing.  So, I am working on picking out the pertinent info about myself for each category, so that I can individualize each interview and maximize my marketability for each one.

I got to do runway walking with the Fashion girls! This was a big deal because I am not a Fashion Girl.  I am a Commercial Girl.  I technically can fit into the Female Fashion Plus category (praise God for good hip measurements), but then everything I do at the showcase would be scored or looked at in comparison to the rest of the Fashion Plus Girls, many of which are about a size 9.  So my official category is Female Commercial, but I picked each competition very strategically.  I wanted a chance to walk the runway, so I chose Creative Runway.  All my acting will give me exposure in that area, plus I get to sing.  I did the Photography Competition because I know I photograph well, and have been taking pictures since I was 14.

So when I got to walk with the Fashion Girls, our Fashion Director man said, “Gilda, you need to learn how to do this, in case you get picked up by some of those Plus Agents.”  I felt pretty special getting to mix in with them!  And I feel very ready to meet any and all of those Plus Agents who may be wanting me to do some print or commercial work for them. 

Many people have asked me, “So what do you hope to gain out of all this?”

Well, honestly, I get kind of overwhelmed when I think of the possibilities. 

One of my goals is to land a TV or movie role.  I would also like to be some sort of spokeswoman, so I can use my English and Spanish.

Now, I know Orlando may not turn into some Overnight Success thing for me.  It might.  But if it doesn’t, it is the beginning of a series of stepping stones for me.

And I am ready and willing to climb the ladder. 

My Orlando To-Do List is slowly shrinking.  I am now working on minute details, like planning for and budgeting for car parking at airports, food and incidentals, and securing a fantastic makeover on my iPod Nano for the trip.  J  I also still have to complete my Creative Runway outfit, and find some jewelry for my singing outfit.  And, of course, I must continue to run through my monologue, song, and TV commercial, as well as have backups ready in case agents ask me to pull another out of sleeve.

And, I am trying desperately to find the discipline to exercise daily, instead of sporadically, and keep up with my writing and reading.

I am so ready to get on that plane and start what will hopefully be an exciting new phase of my life!

Road to Orlando: Part Two – Pushing Through and Smiling Pretty

November 6, 2013

 

Well, I wanted to write more about Orlando.  If you don’t know, I auditioned and have been selected to perform in a national talent showcase in December.  I will perform a monologue, sing a song, film a TV commercial, walk a fashion runway, and present my photographs to agents, casting directors, and producers from all over the country. 

I’ve written about the initial audition, and I’ve written about our first two workshops, which were in August and September.

October was photo-shoot month.  I spent from September 22^nd thru October 20^th putting together my outfits for my pictures.  I did procrastinate a little bit.  I don’t have a lot of really nice clothes, so this was challenging.  I was to have 3 “looks” ready; this quickly turned into emptying my entire closet, trying things on weeks ahead of time, and panicking. 

I didn’t need to panic, because, as everything else for this event so far, the clothes came to me.

Back this summer, I was browsing through clearance racks at a department store and found a couple of beautiful tops for like 2 dollars each.  They were out of season (fall wear), but I bought them anyway.  I didn’t know when I would wear them, or if they would be completely comfortable.  I ended up wearing both of these for my photo shoot. 

I was very fortunate that my friend Jodi emptied her closet for me back at the beginning of August.  The forest-green peacoat that she gave me was in the pile to go the photo-shoot.  (We were assigned to bring with us 6 possible outfits from which to choose our final three).

Also sometime in August, I made a stop at my favorite thrift store, TACOL, in Lindsborg, Kansas.  I found a really pretty top, also out of season, that I knew would look good on me.  It ended up that my photographer said, “This one; definitely this one; I love this color.”

I already had the skirt, tights, and jeans that I wore as bottoms for the shoot.

Still, it came down to the night before my photo shoot, and I still didn’t really have things paired and selected yet; I just had this giant pile of clothes that I knew were “appropriate”.  So, who do I call over, but my friend Maggie?? She lives down the street and sat in my room for 2 hours watching me try on clothes and telling me what looked good and what didn’t (I donated that Christmas-tree-green, sequined, crocheted sweater). 

The trip to KS City for the shoot was smooth.  The only thing that bothered me was that I think I over-conditioned my hair that week, in an attempt to make it smooth for the pictures, and it ended up being too heavy I think and really stubborn against holding curl.  But, I hope I made it work.

I won’t get my pictures until after December 1^st, or as soon as I finish paying off my tuition for the showcase.  The staff will select my two best pictures to display at the showcase in Orlando, while I walk the runway and introduce myself to everyone in the audience. 

After the photo shoot, I’ll admit I didn’t think too much about Orlando for about 5 days or so, and then it was time to dive right back in.  I was pretty exhausted after the photo shoot; it seemed like a lot of time, effort, and stress went into making the photo shoot happen. ( I also spoke at a women’s retreat the day before the photo shoot, so I had been preparing my speech for that at the same time as prepping for the photo shoot.)

The rest of October was spent getting money together for my Orlando payment, keeping the rest of my life in order, including keeping up with work and my other finances, and trying to get back into some form of a workout schedule.

Plus, it’s been the beginning of cold and flu season, so I think my body’s been fighting illness since the beginning of October.  I’ve been trying to use affirmations like, “I am strong, I am healthy, and I am fine” in order to convince my brain that my body is not sick.  It works for the most part.

Last week and the week before was when I was teetering on feeling feverish and achey.  But I nipped it in the bud by chugging gallons of orange juice and going to bed at 9:30 pm for a few nights.

Orlando or bust!! 

Road to Orlando: Workshops 1 and 2

Sunday, October 6, 2013

 

I wanted to write a little bit about my Orlando workshops thus far.  In preparing for Orlando, we have monthly workshops.  These workshops are meant to help us prepare the material we will perform in Orlando.  As Ms. Kim told us at auditions, nothing is done in Orlando that is not prepared ahead of time.

 

So, August 17^th was my Orientation.  We spent lots of time reviewing the Contestant Manual, and practicing appropriate runway walking and “model stance”.  We also went through TV commercials and received our assignments for the next months’ workshop.  We took measurements, and tried to sort through which categories everyone would be in.  There were more people than I expected at Orientation.  The Kansas City location serves as regional center for Iowa, Kansas, Missouri, and Nebraska contestants.  Altogether, though, there were probably about 40 actual contestants there, and then parents/spouses. 

 

It was an exciting, full day; I packed my car with my lunch and learning materials, and drove to Kansas City at about 4:30 am.  I definitely stopped for coffee. 

 

My assignments for next workshop were to bring 3-5 monologues I could present, along with 3-5 songs I could present; the singing and the monologues need to be approved before they’ll let us do them in Orlando.  I also needed to memorize my TV commercial for next time.

 

Our next workshop was on September 22^nd.  We spent the morning reviewing the Contestant Manual, and practicing our introductions for the Photography Competition (for this category, we walk the runway and introduce ourselves into a microphone, while our pictures are shown on a big screen behind us).  We also practiced TV commercials.

 

After lunch, we presented monologues and songs, and I was approved for both categories.  I was so nervous to sing in front of our Fashion Man.  He is a little intimidating, but I know that in this business, if you don’t tell your charges how it is, they won’t work.  He definitely tells us how it is. 

 

So now, my current assignments are: prepare 6 outfits for my photoshoot coming up on October 20^th; continue to practice my commercial and monologue daily; and to find someone who will help me find the correct key for me to sing my song in, and then find someone who will do a piano recording of my song. 

 

Our next and final workshop will be two days long: November 9^th and 10^th. 

 

Showtime is December 18^th-22^nd!  It will be a full week for me, but the exposure I will receive will be so worth it.  I’ve already got my room reserved at the resort, and am booking my flight this week. 

 

Trying to keep myself balanced and sane throughout this process is interesting.  It’s tiring.  I’ve noticed I am taking more interest in my appearance on a daily basis.  I also notice I crave more sleep.

 

I'll keep you posted!

The Orlando Audition: A New Adventure

Monday, September 30, 2013

Well, more than two months later, I thought I should sit down and actually write down the Orlando Story. 

If you haven’t heard or read, I am traveling to Orlando, Florida, this December to participate in a national talent showcase. 

This is how it started.

Back in July, I heard an ad on a local radio station:  “Calling all singers, actors, models, and dancers: come to this audition! It’s not like auditions you may have experienced before!”  Or something to that effect.

Well, the first time I heard the ad, if I’m being honest, I half-heard it.  It was during a workday, as I rushed about town, so I didn’t pay too much attention.  I heard it again about 2 days later, and again about a week later.  I actually tried to call the phone number that time: 1-800-STAR-102.  It rang and rang with no answer.  I figured it was not legit, so I dismissed the thought.  A couple days later, I heard the ad and phone number again, “Auditions will be Friday, July 19^th.”

I called again, this time on Monday, July 15^th.  I got an answer, and said, “Yes, I’m calling about auditions in Salina, Kansas this Friday.”

“Yes, we will be in Salina this Friday…the auditions start at 7:00pm, and I’m going to give you a website that you can go to, that will give you more information about your audition.”

My thoughts were, “That’s it? Really?  I just show up?”  I had been expecting to be given a 20 minute time slot, sometime during the day, that I was going to have to jump through hoops to be able to make.

She gave me the website, www.theartstalent.com.  I forgot about it until the next day, Tuesday.  On the website, I found out that there would be a presentation before the audition process: “We want you to know who you’re auditioning for.” 

I also found out that I could prepare a 60-second song and a 60-second monologue.  “Okay, cool,” I thought.  Also, I was to bring a picture of myself, no larger than 5x7, that could be kept with my file.

The REALLY COOL part was that, about a month prior to this, I had been watching my favorite show, Gilmore Girls, in my living room, like I always do.  I came across a really strong rant by Lorelai, the main character, and I stopped everything I was doing, rewound it, and watched it again.  And again.  “Wow, that was a really good monologue,” I thought.

So, a month later, upon seeing “prepare a 60-second monologue”, guess which one came to mind?  It was like the monologue had been divinely given to me for precisely this audition.

On Thursday, I thought to myself, “Oh, that audition is tomorrow; wasn’t I supposed to print an audition form off the website?  Oh, I also need to pick which picture I’m going to print off.”  So back to the website I went.  This time I printed the form and made sure I was clear on the expectations and “rules” for the audition.  “Everything is G-rated; no drama allowed!” (I’m paraphrasing, but basically, the company is family-friendly and oriented---not your typical slang/gang/all-the-rage Hollywood).

I also picked my picture off my Facebook albums.  Luckily, I had a slew of semi-professional photographs to choose from, as this modeling thing is not completely new to me.  J

On Friday, the day of the audition, I had a full morning of work appointments.  My job is not a typical office job; I drive all over town all day to different homes and schools.  I tried to get up super early to do my 55-minute Turbo Fire workout that was scheduled for the day; I failed, so I had to fit it into my after-work-before-audition schedule. 

I also had to figure out when I was going to hit up Walgreens to print out my 5x7 picture. 

I figured out that I had a window of time between the end of my 1pm appointment and the beginning of my 3pm appointment.  I thought I was going to have to drive this kid all the way back out to the country to his house, though, so I didn’t know just how much time I would end up having.

Well, as divinely set up as it could get, the kid’s grandmother had me drop the kid off to them at the grocery store, just across the street from the Walgreen’s where I needed to print my picture.  Score. (And thank you, Jesus)

Oh, and by the way, I didn’t have any idea what song I would be singing until about 12:45pm that afternoon, on my way to pick up my 1pm appointment. 

I was driving out to the country, to pick him up, and I was wondering, “WHAT am I going to sing?”

Not 10 seconds later, the song pops into my head and I sang it out loud: a Garth Brooks song I remembered singing in high school with my show choir.

“You know a dream is like a river/ever changing as it flows/ and the dreamer’s just a vessel/ that must follow where it goes/trying to learn from what’s behind you/never knowing what’s in store/makes each day a constant battle/just to stay between the shores/and I will sail my vessel/til the river runs dry/blah blah blah blah blah blah blah/these waters are my sky/I’ll never reach my destination/if I never try/so I will sail my vessel/til the river runs dry”

It gave me chills. 

But, darn, what are the actual words behind those “blah’s”?

Inside my head: “Okay, figure out the rest of the lyrics later; gotta pick up this kid; but this is the song I’m singing.  Cool!”

Right.  So back to the Walgreens intervention.  I dropped off the kid, then ran across the street and dropped off my picture for printing.  My plan was to go see my next two kids (3-4pm; 4pm-5pm) and then pick up my picture.

I picked up my picture at 5pm.  Then, I called my friend Jeff.

“Jeff?  Okay, I need a favor.  I can’t explain now.  I’ll explain everything later.”

(Jeff) “Okayyyy…”

“Okay, I need the lyrics to the first verse and chorus of a song.  I don’t know what the song is called.  It’s something about a river.  It’s a Garth Brooks song.  Are you ready for me to recite the first line?  That should be enough for you to put into Google and get the rest of the lyrics.”

So, 2 minutes later, Jeff called me back with the title of the song, the lyrics to the first verse, and the lyrics to the chorus, clarifying my mystery “blahs”.

“Like a bird upon the wind/these waters are my sky.”

Okay, cool.  Thanks, Jeff.  J

So THEN I went home and rushed through my 55-minute workout, which I finished at around 6pm.  Then I took a 1-minute shower (rinse-off with warm water, just to get the sweat off), and sat on my couch drying off while I frantically scribbled my monologue onto the back of an envelope.

Yup.

I let my hair down and added more powder to my shiny face.  I curled my eyelashes, added tinted lip balm, and a little eyeliner.  I picked clothes to wear (pink top, jeans, black flats). 

I was out the door at 6:27 pm. 

I pulled up to the hotel, parked, and got out of the car.  I walked to the door, then realized that I didn’t have my picture with me.  I panicked for a minute, thinking I left it at home.  Thankfully, I had left it in the car when I pulled up in my driveway to do my workout.

I went back to the car and got my picture.  I walked into the lobby.  I checked in at the table.  I sat down to fill out my form (which I had not managed to fill out previously).  Then they told us it was time to start the presentation.

I went in and found a seat in the front row.  I listened while Ms. Kim Myers introduced herself, her company, and what they were all about.  She told us how she works and what she is auditioning us for.  She told us she travels around the country to find talent for her “human buffet” that she puts on her big Broadway stage in Orlando, in front of Disney, Sony, Tyler Perry Studios, and others.  She told us that she believes everyone needs a chance to pursue their talent.  She told us that everything we do in Orlando is prepared ahead of time.  She told us that she doesn’t put anything on her stage in Orlando that is not good.  She told us, “This is my show.”  She told us that if we got a callback, we would get an email late tonight, inviting us to an informational session where we would receive more details about the program.

Then she asked for anyone who would be singing to line up, as we were to go first.  The line was long.  I was cowardly.  I got in line wayyyyy in the back.  I tried not to be nervous.  I watched little kids sing, teenagers sing, boys, girls…then it was my turn.  There were a total of probably about 50 people in the room.

I stood in front of the judges’ table (and the whole room of families and children behind them), introduced myself, and watched as Ms. Kim sprang into action: “So what kind of heritage do you have going on here?  Do you speak Spanish?  Your last name makes it look like you should speak Spanish, but you know, so often it looks that way, and then the person doesn’t speak Spanish.  You know, this means two languages, two commercials, two paychecks, right?”

Whoa. 

“Okay, what are you going to sing?”

“I have ‘The River’ by Garth Brooks.”

And I sang.

She liked it, talked to me some more, then told me that she wanted to hear me read a commercial from the prepared scripts they had for us. 


“Actually, I have a 50-second monologue I prepared.  It’s not all the way memorized, but I have it here, written down.”

“Go for it.”

So I went.

“Look at you!”

She looked over my audition form, over my goals and aspirations, and said, “There’s a passion there when you perform; it’s a hunger, I think.  You know, a lot of times, in this business, you find yourself trying to motivate people to do more, to challenge themselves.  I look at your form here, and I see myself trying to keep up with you; you don’t get that a lot.  Nicely done.”

Whoooooaaa.

I couldn’t believe how genuine the whole process was; how calm and confident I was while I sang (I used all my breath support and everything!), how encouraging Ms. Kim was. 

I felt truly good about it.

I left the audition thinking, “That was the best audition experience I’ve ever had.  I don’t even care what comes of it.”

I called Fred and gave him the play-the-play, then just went home.  I knew I had to work the next morning, as it was my assigned Saturday for the month.  I don’t have internet, so my plan was to check my email at work the next morning. 

Well, 10:00 am Saturday morning rolled around, and I checked my email, on the slowest computer and internet connection known to man.  But I managed to read: “Callback from the ARTS” in the subject line.

I had a callback.  Yay!

The information session was the next day, Sunday.  Ooh.

In Kansas City.  Yikes.

Kansas City is a 3 hour drive from Salina. 

I called F and gave him the “yay”, the “ooh”, and the “yikes”. 

I calmly told him I wanted to go, and that I would go by myself, but felt like it would be really beneficial if he went with me, especially because I didn’t want to have to come back and try to explain the whole thing to him.  He is a very detail-oriented person, and I knew that there would be no way I could explain it to his liking.

He had to go to work, and so did I, so we agreed to talk after his shift, at 8:30 pm that night.  When we talked again, it was decided: we would go to 9:00 am service at church the next morning, and then we would drive to Kansas City for the info session.

The info session started at 4pm, and we listened to all the details, including cost of the program (it’s a very honest, no-hidden-costs thing; definitely not a “quick rise to stardom” or “get-rich-quick” scheme).  We learned that I had til the following Monday, July 29^th, to decide whether or not I would be attending the showcase in December, and to put down my initial deposit.

I knew I wanted to go, and I would say my final decision was made by about Wednesday the 24^th.  But the area between the info session and my final decision was agonizing.  It was stressful, worrisome, and lots of prayer was involved.  I didn’t know how I was going to afford it, mostly.

But we scrounged together my deposit, and on Monday, July 29^th, I called it in and secured my spot on the biggest stage of my life: The Applause Rising Talent Showcase in Orlando, Florida. 

I felt like everything had been lined up and put in place and dropped in my lap for me to have this audition.  I felt blessed to have the callback, and privileged yet COMPLETELY OVERWHELMED to be able to spend time trying to make a decision about the showcase.  There was an overwhelming feeling of a cloud of providence surrounding this ordeal for me. 

Thus began my journey.